To thine own self...

There is much that I could post - much that is going on. Our UAB arrived 8 days ago and our HHE is coming this upcoming Friday. This means we'll finally have all our stuff in one place for the first time in 3 months. RR has started work and is as professionally happy as I've ever seen her, albeit a bit overwhelmed and missing NJ terribly. Progress continues on the issues raised in my last post. NJ is doing amazing things every day, my favorite moments are those times I get to wake him up from a nap and he just holds me tight as I sing to him. There a just no words for how it feels. Work is keeping me busy in ways I never imagined, but I think I'm doing a decent job most days.

Yet, none of this has received a post. I have refrained from writing as much as I've hoped and wanted for a number of reasons.

First, whilst I publish under a pseudonym of MJ, most who likely pass through this way are here because they're friends of mine and I've advertised this space. It's a weird dichotomy that I have going - wanting to keep a journal so I can somehow capture personal moments in order to look back and remember it with better clarity versus sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences with those whom I might call friend. Yet by sharing this place with people, I feel like I must sensor myself - my thoughts and my feelings.

Second, it's not just me writing anymore. I have an editor - although she's not likely to approve this before it's published. While I have an idea of what I want and why I'm doing this - she's much more private and reserved. She feels discretion is of utmost importance - something I honestly should learn given my line of work.

Third, I'm limited in what I can say here due to my work. Whilst I would love to expound on the thoughts I have on International Relations, on the big picture issues of the day, where the world is going - I unfortunately cannot. I am a vociferous reader of news and analysis. I have regularly come to conclusions about world events on my own only to find reputable international publications coming to the same conclusions months later. I detest conventional wisdom and find those who adhere to it intellectually lazy.  There is a curse in working in IR in the fashion that I do - I live, breath, and eat this stuff, but can't comment on it.

Forth, I am just running out of time. No, that's a lie. While I am busier than I ever have been - I have time. I just choose to use what time I have to myself 'relaxing' plopping myself down in front of the TV or computer. I work long hours - often through lunch. I try to leave for home at a normal time so I get some time with NJ. I usually get somewhere between 90-120 minutes a day with my son. If I don't make it home by a certain point, however, I don't get any. It takes an effort to make time to write this.

I can list other reasons, but they all pretty much boil down to either the difficulty I have being fully honest in this space and writing what I want or finding the time to write. I don't think I'll ever find a good solution for either of those problems.

I will, however, take this chance to open up a bit and share something. Something I'm feeling, something I've long wrestled sharing with people. In Hamlet (Act 1 Scene 3) Polonius gives Laertes some famous advice:

"This above all - to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

I've long held that knowing who you are and who you want to be is just as important as knowing what you want to do in life. I've often counseled students or other people to try and figure this out in order to find happiness in their life. Everyone has advice they give to people, this was mine. I've long had an idea of what type of person I strive to be. I once typed out a list and framed it. That list has travelled with me and hung on my walls for over 15 years. Before joining Peace Corps and Bulgaria, I realized my life was about to change so I thought about those parts of me - those values - I did not want to change.

So in many ways, I know the ideal of who I want to be. This also leads to a greater understanding of where I fail - my faults.  For me, Polonius' advice is easy on the surface. I know what I strive for, I often know where I fail.

It doesn't take into account, however, the impact of trying (and failing) to live up to a set of ideals on those around me; nor the impact of my personality on those around me. Being true to myself means that I am likely not going to have some of the things that I've desired most in life - some of the things I've longed for since childhood. I've been wrestling with this problem for quite a while now. I know that holding to my ideals and truly being myself means that I will have to give up other things. You would think that would be an easy choice, but for me it's not. For me, it causes a good bit of thought and concern. It's been on my mind a lot lately.

While lacking specificity, that's a bit from the personal side. I'll let it out on the blog and see how it sits. Hopefully sharing this feels right after a few days, maybe it'll lead to more posts. I really should get more up on my work, my life, and my thoughts. Let's hope this post breaks the dam a bit. Please excuse any typos - I'm writing this straight to the blog without prepping it or editing.