To thine own self...

There is much that I could post - much that is going on. Our UAB arrived 8 days ago and our HHE is coming this upcoming Friday. This means we'll finally have all our stuff in one place for the first time in 3 months. RR has started work and is as professionally happy as I've ever seen her, albeit a bit overwhelmed and missing NJ terribly. Progress continues on the issues raised in my last post. NJ is doing amazing things every day, my favorite moments are those times I get to wake him up from a nap and he just holds me tight as I sing to him. There a just no words for how it feels. Work is keeping me busy in ways I never imagined, but I think I'm doing a decent job most days.

Yet, none of this has received a post. I have refrained from writing as much as I've hoped and wanted for a number of reasons.

First, whilst I publish under a pseudonym of MJ, most who likely pass through this way are here because they're friends of mine and I've advertised this space. It's a weird dichotomy that I have going - wanting to keep a journal so I can somehow capture personal moments in order to look back and remember it with better clarity versus sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences with those whom I might call friend. Yet by sharing this place with people, I feel like I must sensor myself - my thoughts and my feelings.

Second, it's not just me writing anymore. I have an editor - although she's not likely to approve this before it's published. While I have an idea of what I want and why I'm doing this - she's much more private and reserved. She feels discretion is of utmost importance - something I honestly should learn given my line of work.

Third, I'm limited in what I can say here due to my work. Whilst I would love to expound on the thoughts I have on International Relations, on the big picture issues of the day, where the world is going - I unfortunately cannot. I am a vociferous reader of news and analysis. I have regularly come to conclusions about world events on my own only to find reputable international publications coming to the same conclusions months later. I detest conventional wisdom and find those who adhere to it intellectually lazy.  There is a curse in working in IR in the fashion that I do - I live, breath, and eat this stuff, but can't comment on it.

Forth, I am just running out of time. No, that's a lie. While I am busier than I ever have been - I have time. I just choose to use what time I have to myself 'relaxing' plopping myself down in front of the TV or computer. I work long hours - often through lunch. I try to leave for home at a normal time so I get some time with NJ. I usually get somewhere between 90-120 minutes a day with my son. If I don't make it home by a certain point, however, I don't get any. It takes an effort to make time to write this.

I can list other reasons, but they all pretty much boil down to either the difficulty I have being fully honest in this space and writing what I want or finding the time to write. I don't think I'll ever find a good solution for either of those problems.

I will, however, take this chance to open up a bit and share something. Something I'm feeling, something I've long wrestled sharing with people. In Hamlet (Act 1 Scene 3) Polonius gives Laertes some famous advice:

"This above all - to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."

I've long held that knowing who you are and who you want to be is just as important as knowing what you want to do in life. I've often counseled students or other people to try and figure this out in order to find happiness in their life. Everyone has advice they give to people, this was mine. I've long had an idea of what type of person I strive to be. I once typed out a list and framed it. That list has travelled with me and hung on my walls for over 15 years. Before joining Peace Corps and Bulgaria, I realized my life was about to change so I thought about those parts of me - those values - I did not want to change.

So in many ways, I know the ideal of who I want to be. This also leads to a greater understanding of where I fail - my faults.  For me, Polonius' advice is easy on the surface. I know what I strive for, I often know where I fail.

It doesn't take into account, however, the impact of trying (and failing) to live up to a set of ideals on those around me; nor the impact of my personality on those around me. Being true to myself means that I am likely not going to have some of the things that I've desired most in life - some of the things I've longed for since childhood. I've been wrestling with this problem for quite a while now. I know that holding to my ideals and truly being myself means that I will have to give up other things. You would think that would be an easy choice, but for me it's not. For me, it causes a good bit of thought and concern. It's been on my mind a lot lately.

While lacking specificity, that's a bit from the personal side. I'll let it out on the blog and see how it sits. Hopefully sharing this feels right after a few days, maybe it'll lead to more posts. I really should get more up on my work, my life, and my thoughts. Let's hope this post breaks the dam a bit. Please excuse any typos - I'm writing this straight to the blog without prepping it or editing.

The Best Laid Plans…

I am at my personal best when coming up with a plan and implementing it. I’m where I’m at today because I can come up with a grand plan and carry it out well. A little over a decade ago, I realized I was rather unhappy with the trajectory of my life. Something – many things - needed to change

After more than a bit of soul searching, long conversations with friends and family, and a bit of research I came up with a 7-year plan to set a new course for my future. I set firm and achievable goals. I took an honest assessment of my attributes and built them up whilst simultaneously working to address those things holding me back. My plan was incremental with benchmarks along the way, but also with the flexibility to not lock me into something that wasn’t working.

And 7 years later, I not only achieved everything I set out for but also managed to find the love of my life. Although it would be another few years before I found my current job, I was already well on the road to getting here.

Which brings me to the present day. The previous kind of radical changes are gone for the time being – it’s hard to make such changes when you have others to consider. RR and NJ are just too important to me. Now is the time in my life to build up a sturdy foundation and, to a certain extent, prepare for what comes next. This means there are a few differences. First, it’s not just me working towards these goals – RR’s help and support allow us reach our goals more quickly. The second difference, the timeframe is much shorter. Although we should know where we’ll be spending 2016-18 sometime early next summer (weird, huh!), our hope is to leave Guangzhou with two main personal goals accomplished.

Our number one goal is to solidify our financial foundation. A few years ago RR & I taught a Dave Ramsey Financial Peace course through my church. The course advocates a fairly straightforward course of action:

Give back – Give back to your community, specifically your Church (tithe). This sets priorities in your life.

Pay off debt – pretty self explanatory, debt = bad.

Build Savings – 6-9 month Emergency Fund, Retirement, children’s college and (eventually) Investments

Get Insurance – Health, Life, Long-term care, etc.

Legal Docs – Wills, Power of Attorney, etc.

We haven’t done badly since this course, but we still have some student loans from me and on the flip-side we would like to increase our savings and to start preparing for NJ’s college. I’d also like to start giving more.

Our second goal is to get healthy. To be completely honest, I presently weigh about 50 lbs more than I did when I was in Peace Corps just 7 years ago. I carry that weight relatively well due to my build, but I really need to not only lose that weight, but another 10-15 lbs beyond that. I’m of an age that I have to get serious about this (although when isn’t a good age to take this serious?). I’ve been working with RR on it.

My plan is two-fold. First, I have been doing the Fast Diet, which you really should check out if you haven’t heard of it before (Google it!). It’s something I hope to employ for the rest of my life. The general concept is that you limit your calories to ¼ of your normal recommended intake (~600 calories for an adult male) once or twice a week. If you want to lose weight, you limit yourself two times per week (or three if you are ambitious). The other days you eat whatever you’d like or normally would. If you’re maintaining weight, just do it once per week. A number of studies have shown that limiting your caloric intake at least once per week also has beneficial internal knock-on effects such as lower blood sugar levels, cholesterol, etc. I’ve lost about 20 lbs since July even though I couldn’t follow the diet for about 6 weeks due to moving.

The second thing I’m doing is trying to fit regular exercise into my schedule. There’s an indoor pool adjacent to my building that I’ve gone to a few times already. There are also two workout rooms that I can use. I’ve even considered getting a bike to ride to work, although I’m a bit put off by the pollution and heat/humidity.

I’ve started keeping a record of when we fast, how often I work out, and my daily weight.  The dork in me has turned it into an Excel spreadsheet with accompanying graph. I can just say I like the trend line, although I need to work out more.

This past week, RR started working at the Consulate. We also have an Ayi who has made realizing these goals a possibility – she deserves a post all her own at some point. I’m starting to get the hang of my job and all the craziness that it entails. Routines are being established. These goals may not seem particularly exciting, but they will set up the rest of our lives. Yes, we will still make time to travel and do some fun and amazing things – we’ve never been to Asia before after all. But we’ve decided these next two years are going to set up that which is next in our lives.

But I’ve got a plan again, and I’m excited about it.